05/12/24

Someone I barely know (named Yolan) and me in Poland

05/12/24

So, I was in Poland for 10 days, for a "youth and cultural exchange"

There were Moldovans, Ukrainians, Polish and Georgians. It was so nice and refreshing to meet new people, hear other languages, and just learned about other people.
I met great personalities there, and I would really like to see them again in the near future and I don't want this to be just empty words.

I think that talking and exchanging is really THE thing that makes me move forward. A fuel for the brain.
It makes me think that I should not stay alone for too long but at the same time I can't ask others to make myself work.

In "A Breath of Life" (Um sopro de vida), Clarice Lispector wrote : "It's uncomfortable being two : me for me and me for the others" I'm not totally agree with this because I think that we are many ourselves. I am many myself. Maybe all of those "myself" are not very different but in a certain way they are. It's a breath of fresh air to be able to be all these "myself" and not to be stuck in a single character that we think we are.

Without transition, what can I say about the "Desire Path". It's stupid, every time I see one or take one, I feel a lot of emotions. I think that it's great, and I love the idea that we've given people places to walk and move around but that these roads and sidewalks are not the path that people want to take. These paths, all made for them, don't suit them and it's wonderful to see that they manage to say no to these already written destinies.

04/11/24 part.2

Since we are social beings, is it useful and does it serve any purpose to develop ourselves personally without sharing it with others?

For a few months now I have been slowly developing myself after building myself around a person. Don't get me wrong, it was great, but now I feel the need to focus on myself. I develop hobbies, passions, I create things by myself and for myself. But all these things, no one really shares them with me. I feel a lot of joy in doing all this for myself but sometimes I feel sad to think that I can't really share them with people because few people I know like this stuff. So I ask myself the question. Is it useful to create and develop without ever sharing it.

On the one hand, doing something for one's own well-being is so satisfying. I see it as thousands of links that are created in the brain. A huge canvas that grows with each action towards oneself. A gigantic bandage.

On the other hand, isn't it also isolating oneself? All this time when I only do what I want to do, alone, isn't it distancing myself from the people I used to spend time with? All these people with whom I shared something else?

It's becoming really difficult to give time to everyone while keeping time for myself. I want to see everyone and yet I don't see anyone. This is a very sad inconsistency.

By staying at home, learning about subjects, creating things for myself, I lock myself in an apparent comfort and it's becoming harder and harder to get out of it to continue to create social bonds.

Why do I create things if it's not to share them or show them? It's cool to watch a series that you love, but what's the point if you can't talk to anyone about it? We are social beings above all and it's hard to live alone without suffering from it. So how do I find people who like the same things as me?

04/11/24 part.1

It's really strange what's happening at the moment. I've had the feeling for a few weeks that no one understands me, not even the people I felt closest to. I think it's just a passage like it often happens in life, but it's really not pleasant. It makes you want to isolate yourself (something I probably already do a little too much), even though I know it's absolutely not a good idea.

I had a discussion with a friend about only having strong friendships with people. Only hanging out with people you can confide in and tell everything to. I definitely think that's really not the kind of relationship I need. We get disappointed too quickly by the people we trust, and I sincerely think that it's hard to place your trust in too many people. I'm talking about deep emotional trust here. Maybe I give this trust too quickly, and I hate saying that.

Otherwise right now I'm watching The L Word, I'm at the beginning of season 3. The first two seasons were cool ! The second season was really nice because it focused on much more emotional relationships. We got much more into the intimacy of the characters, we got to know them much better in depth. The beginning of the third season is quite heavy. Lots of problems everywhere and very little positive. I can't wait to see how it will evolve and if it will be like this all season. I'm watching the series on DVD but here is a free link with all the seasons.
I'm probably going to create a shrine to the serie here but I'm waiting until I've finished watching it because I'm afraid of getting spoiled by joining forums.

I also downloaded Warzone ! I know that BO6 has just come out and that I'm very late (I still play on PS4 and Xbox One...) but nostalgia won out, I wanted to find the feelings I had when I played it in 2019/2020.

26/10/24

Today I experienced calm, real calm. In the forests and mountains of Switzerland. We went out of season, it's almost deserted, so relaxing. In the clouds I saw a dragon transform into a seahorse, itself evolving into a Chinese New Year dragon. Looking at the clouds is really therapeutic. I saw new forms of Pokemon, a doe and a stag parading. I also saw an ermine like those of Francois I. I made my very first kern! (I don't know if it's written or even called that). It's true that I had never thought I could make one myself. It just never crossed my mind. We also made a few ricochets, without much success... This day was almost meditative.

04/10/24

Today I spent several hours scanning my DVDs and coding a sort of library with my entire collection, the synopses of these films and my reviews. It took me about two days to do everything. I think I'm quite happy with the result but I don't know, I feel like it doesn't belong here. I will definitely keep the html page. I'll put the link here and maybe hide it elsewhere on the site as an easter egg. It will make me happy to know that this page exists and is there somewhere. Also I will update it little by little.
Sometimes I sit down, I put on some music (at the moment I'm listening to club music, a bit techno/electro/house, that kind of stuff, in fact it's one of the last playlists I created) and I look at my DVDs, I reread the synopses, analyze the covers. It's comforting, maybe it's a child thing. Like when my parents bought me a new video game and I analyzed the entire box on the way home.

I discovered an ASMR channel in French which replays or discovers lots of Nintendo games like Mario Galaxy or Pokemon Platinum. It's so cool! I've been looking for a channel like this for years. It makes me want to open a channel too...

16/09/24

Me back then, proud of me and my creation (Gus the 1st) !


It's been a long time since I've been truly proud of myself for something I made with my hands.
I'm quite proud of who I am, (I think?) and especially of my relationship with people. I am proud to be human in my own way, which is to love people. I pride myself on being curious and understanding. To be interested in people, to like to know their lives and what they like.
But I'm not proud of what I do with my hands.

When I was 10 years old my mum asked me "What do you want to do when you grow up?" and I said "I don't know but I'd like to create stuff." I haven't forgotten it but I don't feel like I'm doing anything to move in that direction... However, I would like to please little me.

13/09/24

Today the weather is gray, like my mind.
I live to see people but I don't want to see anyone. Or rather I don't (I can't?) want to make the effort to see people.

07/09/24

I spent a weekend in Nice with two very good friends. It was very cool but very short.
we ate Georgian, walked in the streets of old Nice and we bathed in the sea for two days. I am so grateful for these moments and especially for my friends.

I remember that three or four years ago, I hade a Minecraft world with my cousin. We use to play on xbox and ps4. we played this game for so long that it bugged and after months and months we lost this world forever. It was so sad and even today, when I think about it I feel very bad.

29/08/24

I have great friends !
There's so much people I love in this world. Sometimes I don't see them a lot but nothing change, they are just amazing.
Life is not easy for them and many of them have gone through very difficult episodes but finally when we are together it's just pure love.

I often forget how important it is for me to have them by my side. I love them when they are happy, sad, angry, stressed, when everything is going well in their life or when they are carried away by the vortex.
I'm so grateful to have them because a few years ago I was unable to see this love

Also I like the fact that everyone are themselves in their own way.

24/08/24

Today is the week-end ! Nice.
I'm just not going to do anything, maybe I'll watch some movies, play crash bandicoot on my ps2 and if I'm feeling good, try to break some records in Athens 2004.

I am finishing my employment contract in three days now after two years in the same compagny. I have no clue of what I'm gonna do next. I think that life transition is beating me hard right now. Should I leave France ? Should I go freelance or finding a new company ? I don't know. I don't want to think about that for the next month.

Sometimes I wonder how many things we have lived and forget ? Some things are just not important like when you drink water or when you clean your room. But sometimes you live things very important at the moment you lived it, but completely forgetting these things afterward. So there is so many things completely forgotten who just disappears from the reality. It's crazy that If you don't remember something it never existed. I know that this is a very basic reflexion but it's fucked up idk.

22/08/24

today is my first day of coding with htlm and css ! What an interesting experience. Also I'm gonna try to speak in english at 100% here. Not an easy thing for me since I only speak english with my ex's parents like one or two day per year.(I love them they are so cool)

I don't know if I should introduce myself so much or not because I don't think that to many people are gonna see it.

Anyways, I'm french, I have an old cat, I'm depressed and the most important, I love to discover new things. That's pretty much.
I can't say that my life is particularly bad right now but I don't see the point of living.

Oh yes I forgot to say that this page is gonna be like a personnal diary for me !

So, yeah, I'm tired to support the weight of my head on my shoulders. Getting out of my bed seems (or feels?) like a huge, super stressful and not interesting at all professional project.

Neocities is so cool for giving us a little personnal space in this gigantic internet !It's like a cosy home, except that it's so hard to arrange it with html and css.

I will try to write here time to time when I feel like it.